a scattering of words

a scattering of words
these flicks of letters
these stains of ink
some feelings fleeting
impossibly cast across the sky
clouds at sunset do not block the sun
nor can they define the light
however they reach
however they try
clouds are different in makeup than a star
and cannot throw shade from beyond the atmosphere which creates them
but how the sun paints the clouds
all manners of brilliant colours
and how I long to find the words to describe
the star of my life

gild the lilies

give up the dreams of youth
untie them from your mast
the maidenhead of your flagship is aging
there are paint flecks in its cracks

old memories stir
do not let them wash you out
make new ones
put up blank canvas
sail in the forceful winds
gild the lilies you have carved for yourself
all other opinions be damned

hold yourself to no familiar shore
set your course true
to the soft horizon
you long to see the other side of
do not look back
not in anger
not in favour
not in regret

keep your heart aloft
up in the crows nest
keep watch for ice
dream new dreams
hope new hopes
fail new failures
get up off the rocky shoals
rescue your self
and laugh
above all laugh

the voyage is only over
when the captain goes down with the ship
the ship can be rebuilt
do not give up on the captain

wherever you are

wherever you are
it’s beautiful
like a heartbeat
like a bird song
like a coyote howl
like a full moon on a clear night
or wild like the fields we ran through as kids
I can smell the lilacs
feel the sticky sap of the pine trees as we climb up them
I can feel a warm breeze against my sun warmed face
hear your laughter just a branch or two above me – your ropey legs are taller and stronger than mine – you always win our races
I can see how your eyes grow so blue when you smile
see the bright red cheeks you get when you don’t wear sunscreen
I can feel your hand clasped in mine as we sit and watch a hot summer day – all the reds & oranges blend together to paint the sky in light
Wherever you are
I’m sure it’s beautiful
& the wavelength resonates in me
lifting me up
while you are away

woke up with a hole in my heart

woke up today with a hole in my heart
the size of the universe
it’s a veritable black hole
sucking in all the good things
then dissolving them all
in the abyssal kiss
that makes hope no more

making love to misery
right down to my core
on shattered memories

perception is a faulty thing
& looking back
it’s probably caffeine withdrawal
serotonin depleted
or brain needing too much
energy to function
and sending out cortisone
flooding through my veins
until I hate every single thing
that comes near me

I still hear the resonance 
of a soul who’s not here
so faint as to be a whisper
an echo
a ripple of the original source

no matter what I tell my heart
I’m looking
goddamn searching
every single second
while I’m alive
breathing in that ghostly harmony
and wishing to collide back into that missing wave
loss as strong as it every was 

what’s up? They ask
nothing. I respond
as just underneath the surface
my waters roil
by a wind I cannot control

makes every moment precious
I dont want to waste them
and we always waste them
makes me want to pull away
from all these people half living
their lives away

I’m tired of tiptoeing through the games all the knaves play
so cleverly

isn’t there someone out there who’s been through this before?

doesn’t anyone understand that life is so short?

doesn’t anyone seek a beautiful moment anymore?

Woke up with a hole in my heart I cannot fill. Not in this 24 hour cycle at least. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up with hope in my arms.

not happy

Every now and then I’m a cryer. It happens despite my best intentions not to bawl. Lately it’s mostly to do with missing my cousin who’s died. Every now and then it hits me hard for no real reason. I guess that’s how grief goes. A bit uncharted in emotions. 

We’ve been talking of planting a tree over some sort of biodegradable urn. It fits my cousin to a tee. A beautiful idea: really, it is. But I burst into tears in my room. A couple of sorts sobs. Not soft enough for the intrepid gamer downstairs. Not soft enough that there didn’t come the clobbering steps of a determined Goo. 

Up the stairs comes my son. I wipe the tears from my eyes. He opens the bedroom door and climbs up into bed. He rests his head on my shoulder and kind of body hugs me. 

He’s wise. So wise is my Goo. He asks me if I’m okay. I tell him yes. He kisses my forehead.  Points at my face and tells my that’s just silly. I nod and say yeah Mommy’s silly. 

He says are you mad? I try to lie and say no Mommy is happy. I try to make sure he doesn’t worry about a tiny burst of tears. 

But the Goo isn’t having it. Not happy he says forcefully. Not happy he repeats. 

He’s right and I tell him I’m okay but I’m sad. I miss my cousin. 

He smiles. He says Mommy is okay. Mommy is sads. Kisses my cheek. Hugs me dearly. Satisfied that everything is alright, he tells me see you later and goes back down to his gaming. 

My son may be autistic but he’s smarter emotionally than I will probably ever be. He’s not going to bottle up his emotions. And he sure as hell isn’t going to let anyone around him be too proud to admit they’re crying neither. 

The Goo is always surprising me. He’s so sensitive to everyone around him. Especially me. I’m damn lucky to have him around me. I’m damn proud to be his Mommy.

how hot her heart burns

of a familiar stranger
I’ve grown to know
pseudo sense of home

cover of a magazine
she’s everywhere
even without photoshop, I’m sure
a wise face with laugh lines
stunning in her natural state

too many shame cults
online these days
dedicated to shaming people
women especially
lose a pound; gain a pound:
either way you’re damned

fierce her stance
fables those childhood days
she gives the world
a sidelong glance
saying to the world
“Frankly haters, I don’t give a damn.”

no cage will ever hold her
her smile is neon pink
she’s not afraid
of a single thing
when they told us
skin didnt matter,
they were lying

I think to myself
here’s someone
with a soul on fire
who is comfortable
with herself

& I can see the light
in her eyes
from how hot
her heart burns