We hold hands in the dark

May 14, 2013

lights are off

we hold hands

it is dark

but a piano plays

recorded awhile ago

applause greeting the first notes

it quiets down

as intentions take over

their minds at the time

it was live

and now resonates 
in a bedroom

two small hearts

beating

no words spoken

but minds alive

painting a starry universe

all over the stuccoed ceiling

where as the chords are struck

and sound waves generated

the rotating fan becomes

a supernova

fan blades

expanding to light up

the galaxy

it’s a meandering

song that stops and starts

that’s the way Tiersen

plays it

maestro

tempo

fingers

creating nebulas

that flow and pull

silently above us now

all started by watching

my son play the mini piano

and wondering 
just perhaps

without being able to speak

he’s almost six

and doesn’t talk

but he has thoughts

that I’m sure of

so to bed

tonight and with a playlist of piano

pressed pause

there’s no stop

no need for stop in modern devices

to feel tiny fingers reaching

for the phone

which was keeping

him from seeing stars on the ceiling

a blue light comes on

tiny fingers type in the password

he figured that out

from watching me type it in

twice

up comes the music player

and back comes the song

lays back down the phone

on my stomach

holds my hand in the dark

we say no words

but the music heard

creates stars on the ceiling


we hold hands in the dark

and listen to the piano

Acceptance

May 13, 2013

I think of you

In the space between

all these constructed things

the habits

destructive or redundant

defensive or aggressive

I think of you
and they dissolve

Not because you fight them

I mean I fight them

and they only grow stronger

No they disappear

because you accept me

Just the way I am

Constructs 

Baggage

Damage

And all

Baggage

May 13, 2013

This baggage we carry 

Bloated corpses

Heavy weighted chains

So heavy

Dull pain

When we are still

Sharp and shrill

When we move

And white hot grilled fire

If we tempt to break them

Then a moment comes

Along with the fire

That wakes within

A sleepy heart

It burns the pyre

Of these soggy corpses

And these chains melt

And suddenly

I am free

On call

May 13, 2013

On call

Hiatus

Flame trapped

In a tea light 

Maelstrom 

In a tea cup

Agitated 

Awaiting

Some signal

Flare gun

Dreams of wildfire

Tethered

Worn looks 

Weathered 

Until

The fire burns

From the inside

The outside

Unmoving

On call

Hiatus

Awaiting

Your unforgiving

May 13, 2013

Put on the pedestal

the most beautiful of us. 

Mock them. 

Clearly point out their physical faults.

Condemn those who slice their skin to save their souls.

Brand those who weren’t born with it as never good enough.

Point this out to me.

Do it constantly.

So I know where to look. 

To understand symmetry.

So I know what is most precious to us.

Teach me to be unforgiving.
Make me your target and your assassin.



Train me to see the slightest 
mark or pock, yellow teeth beneath. 

To find the rot awaiting beneath the porcelain.

Hone me as a weapon of massive consumption 
of pyrrhic self destruction. 
Teach me to keep watch

safeguard against an unending 
ticking clock.

Measure me against the 1%

and if that fails have me compare myself against my own youth.

Weigh me, fillet me, show me the proof of my worth.

Refine my veins with your sugar.
Enhance me. 

Teach me to be unforgiving.



Take me to the source of our knowledge and watch me long for the fountain of youth.

Teach me to be unforgiving.

Make me your target and your assassin.



Wonder in puzzlement at why some see an abyss in wonderland. 

Be terrified when you lose them to their own constructions.

Tell me to love myself.

Now that I’m special ops trained to shoot to kill discrepancies on sight. 

Instantaneous execution of will. 
Ravenous need to belong,

lock me up alone. 

Set me apart. 

As different therefore worthless. 
Regulate me to my skin

to feel the hollowness within.



I am gone rabbit holed.

I am gone mad. 

Gone desolate. 

Gone sorrowful. 

But tell me you have a pill for that.

Teach me to be unforgiving.

Make me your target and your assassin.



Cackling at the mewling sounds as the tears fall. 

Leave me here with myself. 

But send me pictures of how beautiful they are still

in those glossy magazines.

Keep it real for me. 

Trim my inseams. 

Suck the toxic fat off my every surface. 
Give me my eyes and jaw and neck back smoothly. 

Carve off the blight. 

Hem my tummy. 

Lift my signs of femininity back up my chest. 

Erase these scars.

Fix these irregularities in my nose. 

Cover up those ghastly pores.

Blend.

Dye.

Inject.

Pretend.

Can’t breath without my makeup on.

I am your sculpture. 

Begging to be reborn.

Teach me to be unforgiven.

Make me your target and your assassin.



Better yet.


Airbrush the reflection in my mirror so I never know myself anything other than 
a computer image. 

Make it impossible for me to have ever known a measurement other than these inches of skin. 

Then wonderland for me will always live on.

Then I will be your unforgiving: your beautiful assassin.

April 26, 2013

When I die 

please use the worst picture

ever taken of me

for my obituary. 

No. 

I’m not being humble. 

No

not convinced
I’m ugly either. 

I just want people to know

after I’m gone

I was a real person 

who frowned

who laughed with her nose scrunched up

who giggled or grumbled

right down to her toes. 

I was a person

perfectly capable

of inhabiting atrocious 
photos.

But most importantly

I want them to know

I was a person

who wasn’t afraid to live.

I was invulnerable once

April 25, 2013

Looking back, I was invulnerable once. It was in the hot summer months. I was laying on a towel on the hot cement in front of the PMQs, having just spent myself silly on the slip ‘n slide under the tall pines. I had another towel draped over me to shield my eyes from the bright July sun. And I was basking: a lizard child baking in the sun. Tongue out, eyes closed and seeing red I was at peace with the world. 
This was before it all descended upon me. When I still believed that I really could be anything. This was when I still believed our skin mattered less than our deeds. Funny how weightless words become when 99% of our time bombards us with a message that we won’t ever be good enough. I mean our lives can’t be complete or we will stop consuming. We glorify what we can’t be but wish we were. And we can now blur the lines of perfection more than ever before. Simply put, naturally without a touch we aren’t good enough the way we are. Not without a scalpel’s touch. 
I can’t really blame us for trying to show our children how it should be. How our world can be. Instead of worrying about our weight, our face, or our exterior we could be learning to accept our differences and truly love ourselves. Set our lives on a base of acceptance instead of competition or objectification. Of course we want better for our children. But lying about the pressure cooker state of the world isn’t the way to set future generations off on a positive start. Being in denial of what this all does to us as people or accepting that defeat is always the individual’s fault isn’t getting us anywhere either.

Perhaps we are at the cusp of another lost generation.

We are not ravaged by any war zones you can see but teaching people that they are customizable objects bred to fit in or fail must somehow set alight our primal flight or fight response. Some of us just can’t take another struggling day, and each one we have lost cannot be replaced from the pages of a glossy catalogue. 
I remember the breeze blowing over me under that towel and the warmth of the earth abounded in me and all around me that day. I didn’t need to feel beautiful. I knew I was beautiful, instinctually.
In that moment I was as we all should be, invulnerable and simply me.

But you

April 24, 2013

I am untouchable to most around me.
A mask they can hold onto.
Call their very own.
But I cannot be found behind
Their porcelain thrones.
Idealized in sandstone.
Grasped in flesh and bone.
But elsewhere does my mind roam.
They know my form.
But they cannot know the whole of me.
They cannot understand what they cannot blindingly see.
For I am a sun too hot to touch.
I am a sea too deep to fathom.
I am a galaxy too large to cross.
But you.
I’ve caught you looking past the mirrored me.
You’ve watched me playing.
You’ve seen me.
And now I know myself to be recognized.
A glance through the frosted blasted glassy parts of me.
A smile from your lips as you winked at me.
As time goes by.
I am of all things.
I share in all games.
And now perhaps.
From time to time.
You’ll join in play beside me.

I am a head full of clouds.

April 20, 2013

Intrumental music transforms me. I weave a thick fog around me. A spell to teleport me to the other world I’ve known since I was a small child. These four walls cannot hold me. For I am not there at that desk to be found. I am a head full of clouds.

A knock.

Collapse goes the budding world. No time for imagination right now. The ghosts of reality are calling out that name of mine. The one that is me but cannot be me. A label to hold me with. To scold me with. A label plastered over the eye in my mouth that is the spirit of me. I crouch for a moment. Hoping. My ears were wrong. Mistaken.

Alas.

A knock at the door.

Farewell for now.

Proud of yourself

March 22, 2013

There she was in the weakness of flesh following transformative emotions-

Quivering, shivering, tears falling furiously from feeling things too big for one heart to contain. Naked under twisted sheets aching for a complimentary connection to the sensual oblivion that had just occurred.

There you were proud of your ability to contain yourself. 
Held her while she was unraveling but consciously handling yourself quite well.

Proud of yourself.

You could give her a mind blowing orgasm- it was a power, a sway, a magic to keep her from straying. 
But what you never did grasp was that love is a sharing that cannot have egos involved without starving to death and collapsing.

Of course she left you.

Her mask came off in that moment and yours did not. Pleasured by the power you felt you had. While she was only looking for someone really there past all that bullshit. A partnership of authenticity in a world of imitations.

Proud of yourself still.

Because it is her loss that she had to have a breakdown. Had to get so heavy over nothing. Still there’s someone missing in the crook of your elbow and the bed is not quite fitting you all that well. It’s grown too large and empty when there’s no one.

Proud of yourself.

Love won’t ever break you down. Who gives a fuck if she left you? There will be someone else soon. What’s important isn’t ever after, it’s the here and now-

Except the here and now has an echo that rebounds in your skull.

She was quivering, shivering, crying silently with a discovery of emotions to vast for one heart to hold. And you were too scared to be bold and share with her your own self.

Of course she left you.

Proud of yourself, now?


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